skepticism in the eyes of the beholder

i made a wish on 11:11 and a second later it turned 11:12

it is one thing to preserve a fossil, body, or well a piece of meat, but it is a whole other ball park when trying to preserve feelings. i think we all wish that we could just catch happiness in a jar, and stash it away for a day when we feel less exuberant then normal. 

no one wants to be sad. dealing with sadness is so tough, because it is not just emotional but physical too. have you ever realized that? when you are upset, you don't just experience pure grief, throw in some stress, a little anger, and dishevelment, and you have an upset person. 

but none of that is my point, because i am not at all upset at the moment. i'm actually in a good mood... well somewhat at least. what i am trying to say, is that i think we all just want things to go well and be perfect all the time. i don't think i could live like that. i need a touch of creative chaos in order for my day to function, because if everything goes too well, then i'm sure something bad is just around the corner. 

so tomorrow is a friday. i'm looking forward to a presentation i know nothing about, and an Italian test i am not at all prepared for. But then again it is a friday, that just cancels everything else out. i am going out, no matter what, i am going out and doing something on a friday night. 

possible trip to new york for some shopping might be in my future. i am planning on going with a group of friends, taking the train in, walking around the city for a day. without parents of course, because we all know how a trendy group of kids could easily be flattened by a single adult parental figure. 

i am starting to like the way that everything is turning out. i am so glad i held in. it could have been the biggest mistake. there is nothing more that i want, then to lounge around all day with my friends. watching scary movies, taking pictures, laughing at stories, the way it was in the beginning. im smiling. 

and well, there is so much more i want to add to this blog, so many things i want to talk about, but there also is a huge ache in my back. it is also 11:34 pm, and i still have plans to talk to herbert before i fall asleep. so as grade school diary entry esque as this may sound, goodnight! ill be sure to write soon. 

My Dearest NYLON

you make me scream at the top of my lungs, roll around the floor in happiness, and explode with pure joy. could any other magazine publication make me as excited to the point of orgasm status the way you do? its the one thing i regularly get in the mail, and the only reason i actually check the mail. i hide you behind my text books, smuggle you around in my backpack, and casually flip through you while relaxing on my roof. I risked digging through the recycling just to save you from an unwanted demise. my magazine, my bible! i eye your glossy cover while racing to finish my homework. all i want to do is sit and read cory kennedy's notes on upcoming bands and fashion trends. I could go on for ever! 

Ever since the first second i flipped through your colorful witty articles, i decided on my future job. I WANT TO WORK FOR NYLON! i think that there is no better job for me in the world. its publication is the perfect marriage of wit and culture, throw in cory kennedy and peaches geldof and you have nothing less then perfection. i would do anything to visit their offices for a day, sip coffee with marvin scott jarrett and talk about our love of nordic icelandic bands and the genius behind marc jacobs' tantalizing ads. Im sitting here daydreaming about the one day when people ask where i work, and i can say "NYLON magazine!" I am a huge fan. because when i read it, i can picture myself in its pages, not as a model, but as free thought. it flows easily and effortlessly, and yet it reminds me of me. so don't be alarmed if you see me running down the street ecstatic over the fact that the mail man just arrived, i probably just got my new issue of NYLON.  

Jumping From the Tops of Buildings

"janine look out your window" i saw her curtain slowly open and her face mold into a look of surprise and happiness. i was on the roof. it was gorgeous, one of those rare february days that made it seem like spring was right around the corner. i had no reason to be scared, i just popped out the shade, and stepped out into the sunshine. if i looked north i could see the new york skyline. i think that the day perfectly mirrored the way i was feeling. i can't stop smiling, even still. it looks like i slept with a hanger in my mouth. yes as lame as that is, it is so true. i think that things are so much better then i ever could have imagined. i love my boyfriend. i needed something like that momentary break to realize how much i couldn't really stand to see him go. i remembered every reason why i loved him in the first place. i remembered every reason i fell in love with him, why its lasted as long as it has. i remembered every time he has left me in awe, surprised me, made me laugh, and blush, made me tear up with tears of happiness. i know now how i fell in love, with a boy who has changed my life. he's coming over tomorrow. i couldn't be happier. im in love with my boyfriend, ill never let anything make me forget that again. 

We sit in your tree house.

The view from the top floor.

The moon shining through all the leaves and the trees.

I lean close and whisper;

'can we stay here forever? out here in your backyard? just us in the autumn breeze.'

For the first time,

I feel like i'm at a loss for words.

There's nothing left to do but move forward.

I'm finally ready for something good.-chasecoy

Killing Cadavers

off to canada . i hate packing! ahh. and i am the worst when it comes to forcing myself to actually get things done. so basically, this is what is left of my day. grey's anatomy. private practice. packing. hair straightening. talking to sara, and finally sleep. wish me luck. if i can get internet connection ill be sure to update.  

 

february 15th, 2009

there is no doubt about it that vacationing is way more stressful then everyday life. people travel to get away, to have a relaxing time somewhere far from home, but is a vacation ever truly an escape from stress? if you think about it, you have a certain amount of days to be in this one place, so you decide to fit as much into your day as possible. with every second of everyday planned out, there is bound to be complaining. not everyone wants to do the same thing, some people get tired of walking. others complain about the foreign food, or the language barrier, and some people are just too overly happy and excited. no one can deal with people like that. there is always the one person who didn't bring appropriate clothes, and is constantly complaining about the fact that they are too hot or too cold, and then of course there is the exaustion. by trying to fit 3 days of activities into one day, you become very tired very quickly. your up at 8 home by 11:30, and the next day it starts all over again. so as much fun as it sounds, never travel with a large group of people, or your sure to encounter several of these annoyances. families are an absolute no-no. best thing to do, is travel with a very open minded friend, or a boyfriend, because at least with a boyfriend you'll get some good love making out of it.

february 16th, 2009

canada was gorgeous, and completely adorable. i loved every minute of it. shopping was great, ice festival was fun, but im dieing to get home.     

aloveofallthingsbeautiful.

in honor of my recent realization, iv decided to steal this "love quiz"

1) Do you prefer Crushin’, Interested in, or Relationship?
– i love being in a relationship. it gives you someone to get close to.

2) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
– i defiantly fall for someone quickly. im an independent person, but when im together with someone, i really fall head over heels. there is a difference between strongly liking someone and loving someone. when you fall in love you know.

3) Have you ever had your heart broken?
– i think i thought i did, but honestly i just over reacted. 

4) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable?
– not at all. not for me. not for him. not for anyone. 

5) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
– if they could prove to me that they made a huge mistake, that they really truly love me, and that they would absolutely never do it again, then maybe. they would have one more chance.  

6) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
– yeah, but that marriage involved us being zombies, murdering, raping each other, and eating each other's hearts (:

don't worry we're not insane. we just based it off a little piece of heaven. 

7) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think a cool way to let you know would be?
– i always want to know if someone likes me. it wouldn't make a difference at this point, because i really am in love with my boyfriend, but its just nice to know that someone thinks of you that way. 

Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
– no, thats stupid. if i like someone i make it obvious. 

9) Be honest do you want to be in a relationship right now?
– its the greatest thing that could have happened to me. its one of those relationships i'll never forget, and how could i? so much has happened. 

10) Do you believe in love at first sight?
– no, i believe in lust at first sight. 

11) Are you a romantic?
– im too awkward 

12) Do you believe that you can change someone?
–  yeah, but you can't change someone just to make you happy. you need to change them to better themselves, in a crazy way it will all come back and help you in the long run. 

13) If you could get married anywhere, where would it be?
– the church of st. simon of the sea in manolokin beach new jersey 

its beautiful

14) Sex buddies - good or bad?
– good, its an easy way to get what you want without getting caught up in confusing relationship issues.

15) Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
– i used to, but i'v learned to stand my ground 

16) Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know or not?
– yes i do, and yes he knows. 

17) Have you ever wished you could’ve had someone but you messed that up?
– not really, it usually works out well 

18.) Have you broken a heart?
– i don't think i have

Best
1. Male Friend: herbert: my boyfriend louis: my best friend and then randall and joey 
2. Female Friend: julie, janine, melissa 
3. Vacation: so far? acapulco.
4. Memory: haha there are some very good ones 

Worst
1. Time of day: when i have to wake up for school
2. Day of the week: tuesday, and thursday
3. Food: chili blehhhh
4. Memory: there are alot, none really stand out.

Last
1. Person you saw: my grandma
2. Talked to on the phone: my grandma
3. Text: jason cumming
4. Messaged over MySpace? i dont myspace anymore

Today
1. What are you doing right now? yawning
2. Wearing? jeans and union catholic shirt
3. Better than yesterday? yeah today was good (:<3
4. Did you see the person you like? mhm. i wont see him again until tuesday ):
5. What’s the weather? warm but very windy, which makes it cold. 

Tomorrow
1. Is: friday february 13th, 2009
2. Got any plans? not really. i hope i figure out something though. 
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: eight hour drive 

Favorite
1. Number: 7, 13
2. Song: there are so many. but i have homesick by kings of convenience stuck in my head
3. Season: fall/summer
4. Cartoon: family guy >.<

Currently
1. Missing someone: my mommy is in california 
2. Mood: itchy 
3. Wanting: to make plans 
4. Listening to: the television 

True or False
I am a morning person: hahaha not at all
I am an only child: false jackolis and nickeyboo
I am currently in my PJ’s: nada
I am currently suffering from a broken heart: nope
I can be paranoid at times: yes, its the worst
I currently regret something that I have done: i dont really have many big regrets 
I curse frequently: yupyup
I enjoy country music: not even a little bit 
I enjoy hip hop: to some extent 
I enjoy techno/trance: when im in a dancing mood
I enjoy talking on the phone: yeah and no
I have a hidden talent: i can pick stuff up with my feet
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal: not really. i am very open.
I have all my grandparents: no. my dad's mother died when he was 12, but i do have a step grandma. 
I have at least one brother and/or sister: two brothers
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor: hahha kind of. i have a quirkyness to me
I have changed a diaper: i'v attempted to
I have changed a lot over the past year: yes, but for the better
I have done something illegal: mhm
I have had major/minor surgery: nope
I have had my hair cut within the last 2 months: haha no i was bald until i was one and a half
I have had the cops called on me: yeah man

Single or Taken: taken
Eye color: hazel 
Hair: brownish reddish blondeish.
Height: 5'5 1/2"
Righty or lefty: Righty
Can you make a dollar in change right now? i have a quarter in my bra ( i had no pockets today)

Its the Sign of Things to Come

am i blind to this? i mean really its obvious when i look to other people, but am i completely unaware of what is going on here. i don't know, i can see it from her point, but i'm sure that my ordeal is much much different. after everything that has happened throughout all this time, i am at a much bigger loss. i don't want to be that type of girl, but you know what, there is no changing my feelings. and this could not be turning out the way it is. if you think about all the times before, how desperate and hopeful that whole situation was. i completely disregarded the feelings of others. well yeah now i know how it feels. and this is probably the most amazing thing that ever could have happened to me. by far iv never been so completely sure of a feeling. this is a definite. no doubt about it. 

fuck. 

What I Have Left

i want to live like this forever (: and ever and ever. 

id rather spend my nights home with him then out at parties. wrapped in his arms. watching old movies. all id ever want to do. ever.

listography: 

20 things i need to do before i die. 

1. go to bamboozle every year until i am at least 20

2. go backpacking across europe with louis and randall after we graduate senior year

3. live in holland for a year

4. live in london for a year

5. get an internship with nylon magazine

6. find my soul mate

7. rent an apartment with sara in new york city

8. get my nose pierced

9. smoke with my mom (: ill convince her one day

10. live with my family in mexico

11. HAVE A SLEEPOVER WITH HERBERT

12. adopt a kitten, name him Pete

13. go to a metallica concert with louis

14. finish a notebook for every year of high school

15. go to prom freshmen year.....(:<3

16. get on the amazing race

17. strip tease (:

18. dance on train tracks

19. sleep on the beach all night 

20. get stopped on the street by a total stranger, and told i am beautiful 

Chipped Nail Polish and the Smell of Green Tea

he broke his teeth on turquoise harmonicas.i need to express my love for stanley kubrick's director's sense. seriously the angles and the way he works the camera is light-years ahead of his time. the shining pure genius. the movie's story line was of corse the main focus of the movie, but his camera angles really add on to the story. but enough of my love of kubrick's films. i want to stay up all night. i have my movie marathon all picked out. the shining, one flew over the cukoo's nest, withnail and i, and anything else i could think of before i eventually crash. i want to stay up talking all night. i love that. 

i hate awkward situations. im such an awkward person though. im kind of contradicting myself. but when a friend is crying and upset i freeze. i have no clue what to say. i hug them yes, i try to make them laugh yes, i listen to their problems yes, but i am so awkward about it. i wish i could be one of those people who could comfort someone. i just can't do that. what happens if i have a daughter, and her first boyfriend completely crushes her heart? she's crying, nothing can calm her down. what am i supposed to do? id be awkwardly hugging her. i dont know. ill see how it all plays out when i get there. and who knows, maybe it all comes in due time. so janine, im sorry if i could not make you feel any better. i promise, boys are idiots. and you deserve so much better then that. 

Oh You Pretty Things!

"You do know that the world of warcraft is not really a real place?"
you will never catch me playing world of warcraft, talking about how my rouge just hit level 80, or about how crazy the raid was last night. this doesn't sound like the language one non-player would use, but you see my boyfriend is an addict. id spend hours on ventrillo listening to herbert, brad, joey, and JARELENGOLD! talking about leveling, and trading accounts, and everything else they could possibly do on that game. 

i'v heard from many of my world of warcraft playing friends that the game gets depressing, and its obvious to see why. in order to play, you must first buy the installation disc, which is $19.99, and could be found in most electronic stores. with that, you get one free month of the game, and then you must pay $50.00 a month. so think about it. you spend all your money on a game you're addicted to. you don't go out because you would rather be home raiding, and on top of that you aren't even going to a real place! it is so addicting that China has put a limit on game play for children under 18, after three hours the player would be kicked off! it seems like you are not getting you're money's worth, but oh wellllll. 

yes and these are the kinds of kids who play this game.

at one point in our relationship, i considered investing in the game. they where all so obsessed with it, then why not? i may as well get in on the action. i changed my mind when i realized that it would take over our relationship! if the game was so powerful that it could take over people's lives and emotions, then it could easily be the only thing we would ever talk about! i love my boyfriend through sickness and health, well this is his sickness. and when i come to think about it, do i really want to talk about is what guild i'm part of, or how much gold ill lend him tomorrow?  there is no way. i'm not going to become a part of this. sorry cho'gall i guess you'll have to do without my game play for now. 

Unintended Frequencies

jeans with metal zippers are works of satan. 

its snowing still. i swear to god it has snowed for 12 hours straight. but it is the prettiest snow you could imagine, like something out of a fairy tale. so ill just describe to you my current situation in the simplest way possible. it is currently 10:07 pm. im lounged over my comforter, half in the dark, writing, because id rather do that then study for my Italian quiz tomorrow. My back hurts from laying in this position for so long, and i am pretty sure my leg just fell asleep. i hate that feeling so much. its painful and numb and ticklish all at the same time if that is even possible. the snow plow just passed by my house and nearly gave me a full blown heart attack. i don't do very well with loud noises. my house is asleep. i can hear my brother snoring in the next room, and my dad down the hall.

why is it that most men have respiratory issues when they sleep? and its not just men, my mom is a very loud breather. i really hope i don't snore. i think its kind of embarrassing. that and drooling in your sleep, but iv been told that i am a quiet drool-free snoozer. i don't mean to sound creepy, but i really do like watching people sleep. sometimes on weekends when i'm up all night, i go in and check on my family. my 11 year old brother jack is the kind of kid who takes up the entire bed. he's on his back, limbs flailing in every direction. eyes half open, rolled to the back of his head. he is also the sleep walker/talker/screamer of the family. it really is frightening sometimes. my mom and nick sleep on their sides, my dad on his stomach, and i prefer to curl up into a ball among my many comforters. but i have to say, that no one is as funny when they sleep as herbert is. we fall asleep together in so many places. my bed, his bed, my couch, the bus, the movies, anywhere. we fall asleep with his arms wrapped around me and our legs intertwined, and i proceed to feel him twitch and spazz out. im trapped in a death grip, so i wait it out, and believe me, he twitches alot. (: i can't say that i don't love it though. 

you can really tell alot about a person when they are asleep. if they stay in one spot, then you can tell that they are happy and at peace. when tossing and turning, a person obviously is nervous, or has a lot on their mind. and when a person wakes up screaming their plans for suicide, then maybe you should get them psychoanalyzed. but really all in all sleep is a wonderful thing, something i'v been lacking these last six months. something i need to catch up on. maybe i'll start now. so here is to a good night, because everyone looks better with a little beauty sleep. 

Feeding My Addiction

is there such thing as Bloggers Anonymous? Because if so i really need to sign up. I am getting a little too over addicted. but i really have found a place where i can just write, and feel good about what i am writing. no ones judging, and i can just let my thoughts run from my brain and out through the tips of my fingers. 

i find it amazing that three little words could really change your whole outlook on a day. 

i find the nights depressing. and i don't know why. it seems like the second i step off that swim bus, and get in the car i'm in a mood. no matter how many people call/message/text/IM me i still feel alone. maybe its because i spend the entire time slaving over my mountainous piles of homework. 

everything seems to annoy me. there is just one thing i want. 

it happens, and then i can go to bed in peace. 

this is my daily routine. isn't it sad?

 

i really wish that Holden Caulfield was a real person. 

LOVE YUO 4-EVER

i think that i'm the last person in the world that people would expect to have a crush on lil wayne.

i think its the saddest thing in the world. 

that on the one day of the year, that love is outwardly expressed in the sweetest way i wont even be in the country. how could i possibly miss Valentine's Day the one year that i have a boyfriend?! does canada even celebrate Valentine's Day? but really it is just a day invented by card companies, so why not make a day of our own. 

"From: Herbert<3

Mhmm :) itll be sydney's and herby's Loveeee day." 

30 Locked Text Messages on my phone. every one is better then the next. 

i love my boyfriend. 

i have everything that i could ever possibly want. i don't think i have ever felt such a disfunctional perfection before. it has been two months and nine days of crazyness. i can honestly say that i have never felt such a real relationship. its not just i love you's and sappy compliments. its not just movie dates and holding hands. its real. there are arguments, and love, and doubts, and adventures. we fall asleep together. we play fight. we fight for real. we kiss without caring who's watching. we exchange gifts ... perfect gifts. we watch scary movies. we test our relationship. we push, we shove, we SPILL HOT CHOCOLATE all over each other, we run away from each other, we annoy each other, we pay for each other, we make time for eachother, we become friends with each other's friends, we make something special, we're in love. this will be one of those relationships i won't forget. it is my first serious high school relationship, and no matter how many years pass by, there is no way i could ever forget him. i am on cloud 9 times 1000 and nothing could ever bring me down

In The End

it is the last day of swim practice. AND i'm happy and sad. it has been so long, and i have met so many wonderful people. its just a little sad to see it end. its the end 

of many things. the end of january. the end of the marking period. the end of winter sports. the end of first half electives. the end.

i do not like the light. the day's are getting longer, and the nights shorter, and i hate it. i like when the darkness rolls around at 4:30. it just seems more peaceful. the light just makes the end of the day seem so much further away. i can't stand it. 

thats really all i have to rant on about for the day.

im sitting here, putting off homework, staring at my phone. my hair is still wet, and progressively getting larger and curlier and frizzier. my jeans feel loose and baggy, which is weird because they are the smallest, tightest, jeans you could find. i think im loosing weight? i have no clue. none of my clothes fit

 me anymore. maybe i'm just loosing it. yeah, thats it, im loosing my mind. 

A Closet Freak

Its a Sight You See Every Day. 

"why do girls always go to the bathroom in groups?" that is one question that most boys ask me. but really why do girls always feel the need to be together? is it that we constantly need someone to talk to? do we feel lonely and vulnerable to catty bitchyness from other girls when alone? or maybe it is our constant need of attention? i don't know if there really is one true answer to all of this, but when my best guy friends ask, i just say that we need someone else there to tell us our hair looks good. 

as you can see we travel in packs.

julie, emily, montana, tiffani, gina, jenny, sam, melissa, me, tina, kaitlyn

New Era

being an individual is probably one of the best, most refreshing things a person could do for themselves. there are so many social molds out there, that really you are always around the same type of person. jocks, preps, the popular kids, the superficial kids, the loners, the nerds, the stoners, the promqueens, the hipsters, the scenesters, emos, ghetto's, black, white, spanish, asian, smart, stupid, burnouts, basket cases, and every other possible label you could ever think of rule our world. so when you find that one kid who does not fit into one of these categories or subcategories, it just feels so good. 

i am going to steal some idealism's from Chuck Klosterman's "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs*" because i think that it really does show how the people of our world think of themselves as individuals, but really they just fall into a mold just like everyone else. 

- the kids who think of themselves as "creative" really are not all that different from the average bland every day teenager. because what is creativity? someone calling themselves creative, is just molding themselves into society's definition of creativity. 

so on that note, do something different, listen to a new band that no one you know has heard of. read an intellectual book that is not on your school's reading list. wear something because you like it, not because you are worried about what the people around you would think. be special, stick out! 

song of the moment: 

The fallen aristocracy- Northern Portrait 

Far From Here

Sydney. Fifteen. Freshmen. I'm In Love With Herbert. So Much More Then You Could Ever Imagine. I'm Happy. 

with all these internet networking sites, its crazy to think about how many of these ridiculous "about me"'s there are. i mean seriously, i have accounts on myspace, facebook, flickr, blogspot, aim, yahoo, and everything else you could ever imagine. i am a sucker for networking, and its sad to see that im living in

 this little online world. its not that i don't go out, i very clearly have a life. i have an amazing boyfriend, and fantastic friends. im currently in the middle of my school's social circle, and i could not be happier. but i have noticed a change in my priorities ever since i discovered this online metropolis. 

before i even knew what myspace/facebook was, i'd come home, find a snack, do homework, watch some television, shower, and sleep. now my entire life seems to be revolving around the internet. i come home, chat on facebook and ichat for a couple hours, put off homework, set an alarm for when i have to force myself to get off the internet and start my school work, press the snooze button a couple of times, start my homework at 8:30, stay up until

 12:00, shower, stair out my closet for the next day, check facebook yet again, and finally get some sleep.   

i take photoshoots with my camera, and webcamera. i get all dolled up, and take 10,15,20 pictures, trying to find the perfect one to post. im turing into the pixelized obsessor. everyone just seems so fake. and i am a complete hypocrite to say this, but its true. why is it that people can't take one picture and have that be it? everyone's cameras are filled with shots of themselves, making everyone look vain, and shallow, and self obsessed. when a suitable picture is taken, it is then uploaded and edited on top of that! not only does it take more then once to get a good picture, you then have to go and airbrush your skin, or edit your eyes to make them that perfect perky shade of blue. 

so who is real? its said that everyone looks better on the internet, and that is true. it gives everyone the oppertunity to look flawless. its addicting. i am not going to lie. i got sucked into it too.

so as i sit here, writing about my internet addiction, i want to try something. i want to take a picture. one single picture, and post it here on this blog. no editing, no second chances, one shot. so here it goes. hello world, this is me at the moment. Sunday February 1st, 2009 9:26 PM.